Tuesday, November 25, 2008
25 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
Yesterday, while talking to Poh Eng, I got a hint that she might just want to stay the way we are. I am not sure of what she is thinking, as I am not sure on whether she mean what she say. I am really blur, and just can't stop thinking about it.
I am also not sure on whether she knows what I am thinking of? I have already started depending on her, and I am not sure whether she knows about it. I felt comfortable sharing things with her, and now I would like her to be comfortable talking to me about her problems. I really want to help her in any ways, only if she wants/need my help. Our relationship now is very complicated, and I am not sure where exactly am I standing on?
The only thing I can be sure of, is that I have feelings towards her. It is not the feelings that you have when you just met someone, or you think that you like that person. My feelings towards her is not the initial kind of feeling anymore, and now all I want to do is just to look at her. Doesn't matter whether where we are, or even what we are doing. The feeling of looking at her just makes me feel comfortable, safe and satisfied.
I might be used to her being in my life, and I really can't imagine what will I be if she decided to draw a line between us. The fear of losing her, sometimes just comes to me, and I dislike the feeling.
After the talk yesterday, I found out that she is still feeling insecure, and I am trying my best to let her feel secured when she is with me. I really hope I am able to make her feel secure, and gain her trust.
I admit that I am not the handsome guy people are looking for, but I hope I can give people the sense of security and trust. All I can do is just hope that she gets better when being with me. That's all I can do for her ba!
posted at 2:46 PM
Monday, November 17, 2008
18 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
Today, when I went to get the sociology notes from Poh Eng, she pass me a deep heat rub for my leg. I am like super touched and happy la, coz no one has even care about what happen to me (except my mum and dad). So I now feel like actually there is someone who care about me, and I am not always a passer-by.
Suddenly, I felt that I am so important, and I must take care of myself well. It might sound a bit weird, but I do not think that I am important in the world. Although it might sound like I am a emo person, yet I am most of the time alone. Living in my own tiny world, being alone and looking at other people living their life.
However, after having dinner with Kama, Adlan, Raine & Poh Eng, I decided to walk home. Poh Eng decided to walk with me together with Raine, and I felt very lost as Raine was there too. The reason being is that I am feeling very weird when Raine is there and I just can't express myself when Raine is there. I am just not comfortable having Raine there, so I decided to walk alone.
Somehow I felt Poh Eng feeling very angry, and I tried to sms her to explain to her. However, she still insist that I should just go home, and without being able to stop thinking about it. I walked to the interchange and find Poh Eng, and after a short conversation, I eventually start losing control of my feelings. I started to ask foolish questions, and think about having to leave everyone. I just can't stand the feeling that I might be losing the things that I currently have, as I do treasure what I have now.
Fortunately, Poh Eng is there to listen to me, and if not I might really just leave everyone.
So I wouldn't want to lose anything that I have, and I am so afarid of losing it. Starting to get worried about my future and thinking about my life. Just can't imagine it if I am all alone again. Hopefully things will go well.
posted at 5:22 PM
Sunday, November 16, 2008
15 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
Today was the ELF assessment day, and it will be the day that I find out what is the standards of ELF juniors. Everything went well till the last change over, when it started to rain slightly. After the whole assessment, we actually found out that ELF juniors still needs quite an amount of training. Although, it is shocked to see the results, the seniors actually found out the weak points of ELF juniors and we are able to focus our training after the assessment.
During the Review, the stupid boy (Me) actually did something stupid again. When I saw Poh Eng biting her own finger, I threw a pen at her! What a stupid thing that I will do! I just can't visualise how I am able to do this without me thinking of the consequences. Now I can only hope that Poh Eng doesn't get angry about it.
After the assessment, I brought ELF back to ELF room to help clearing up the room. At the walk back to the room, I felt very tired and weak while walking back. I eventually increase my speed so that I could reach the room faster, and it lead to Poh Eng chasing me thought that I emo. Once again, I did something very stupid again, causing Poh Eng to run and spoilt her sandals. I really find myself very cui!After reaching the room, I went to take a short nap and let Peggy take over in organising everyone to clear up the room.
After around 10mins, when I heard that Peggy is flooded with all the questions, I decided to wake up and help Peggy with the administration work. However, I found out that ELF was very united while clearing up the room when it is not in the schedule. I was so overwhlem by the things I see, when everyone was busy helping to clear the room and no one is slacking (except for me). This is something that I wanted to see long ago, and it is so touching and happy to see such united CCA when you are in it.After that, when everyone decided to go home, I am still at ELF room doing the last touch up of the admin stuff.
When Raine and Poh Eng was outside talking about Raine's problem, and hopefully the Raine feels better after talking to Poh Eng. Cause I really feel that Raine is facing a very big problem which she can't solve and I hope Poh Eng is able to help her out of it.When Raine and Poh Eng decided to go out, they asked me along. I went along with them, and eventually Raine has been called by her friend and went off, leaving only Poh Eng and me.
In the end, Poh Eng and me went to Parkway for dinner and we went walking around in Parkway Parade talking nonsense all the way. It was really fun and relaxing, we even make fun of a lot of things. Playing around like as if two small kids is walking around the mall, and it was really enjoyable.
It has been long, since I have been so happy going out. A enjoyable trip! =)
posted at 7:22 PM
Friday, November 14, 2008
13 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
Today was the day I took my car practical test (Traffic Police Test), and I didn't manage to sleep yesterday, due to the deep thought of what had happened yesterday. Furthermore, I woke up early today to boil the barley water for Poh Eng.
When I first reach school, I decided to cheer Poh Eng up a bit by doing something very stupid. WHich is to leave a note in the bottle, also by creating the instruction menu for her to read. Although, it is really a stupid idea, I do hope that the stupid idea can actually help her by improving her mood.
I really hope that it eventually help her to improve her mood. =)
During my practical test, I nearly fail by striking a kerb, however, I manage to pass the test. I am overwhelm by the excitement, and I called my mum to tell her about it. After a while, Poh Eng replied and I told her that I fail, didn't expect she will believe what I said.
So when I returned to school and she picked up my result slip and looked into the details. At the end, she found out that I have passed my TP, so she did really get angry for a moment(Though my sensing). I tried to apologise to her immediately but she seems angry and do not want to talk to me. I starting to find out that she actually dislike people lying to her.
So lesson learnt, DO NOT try to lie to Poh Eng, she will get really angry about it. =)
After my Test, I went back to school to help prepare the logistics for TP Rawks, and after that we went back to ELF room to have our packed dinner kindly sponsor by SAA. After that, they decided to go to Starbucks and chill as Raine do not want to go home that early(Although it is already 9pm). Due to my stuff, I decided to pass the chilling session, and decided to complete my stuff in school before going home.
While doing my stuff, I didn't notice that Poh Eng was still in ELF room waiting for me. I was so touched by her, as she miss the chilling session just because of me. In my mind is like 'Wa, cui la, like that I super guilty sial'. I felt very bad for letting her staying back to wait for me, and she eventually can see that I am not in a good mood to join the rest for the chilling session.
She is starting to know my style le, and able to check out for my mood. I am actually quite impress, as not a lot of people can see through my mood when I am trying to hide them. As I wasn't very lonely before they left for the chilling session, instead, I was running around disturbing other people. Didn't thought that she can see through me!
After finishing my work, I started talking to her, and eventually manage to tell her that she can look for me when she needs anyone to be by her side to listen or accompany her. I would more than happy to be the one, as I would really want to do something for her. Also, this is the least that I could do, and I will be there no matter in what situation.
Actually, it would also need her to tell me when she has a problem, as I would not know if she did not sms me or talk to me. I would not be able to predict her mood, but I am able to understand her mood when I get to talk to her or sms her.
P.S. I would really keep to my promise! =)
posted at 12:12 AM
Thursday, November 13, 2008
13 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
Yesterday, after training, ELF was about to leave school for dinner, and I do not feel like joining the rest but I have to so to not let the rest feel that I am moody. So I joined them a while after that I went home walking with Arif. I am really thinking about my personal stuff, hoping that I am able to sort my thoughts and feeling out.
After reaching Arif's house, I started walking back home still thinking about my problem. After awhile, Poh Eng sms and asking me where am I. After asking her what's the problem she said that she just want to find someone to talk. At that moment, I has already sense something wrong about her, and I started walking back to Tampines Interchange. After she said that she was with Raine, I started walking back home again. Awhile later, I got her sms that she is going to walk alone at Tampines, right after that I returned to Tampines Interchange again. After I reached Tampines Interchange and found Poh Eng, she refuse to say anything except 'I am fine'.
I kept asking, however, I still can't get her to say out what she is worrying about. Actually, I find myself quite useless, as I am only creating burden for her and not helping her reducing her burden. Sometimes, I do feel that I am actually creating more problem for other people.
Although, she might say that it is not any burden to her, yet I still feel that I am a burden to her. I really would want her to let her feelings out, or maybe I should be the one starting first. Maybe it is because that I am the one who still keeps feelings with me. Hence, leading her not to be able to open up her feelings, so sometimes it is really hard.
Yet I really do cherish the relationship, and would not want to lose it. I am just so afarid that someday I might just no longer be the one who will be with her when she is feeling low. I really want to do something for her, and just can't find it yet. Or I should really start opening up the inner me first, so that she will feel more comfortable sharing her problems and feelings with me. =)
posted at 1:22 PM
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
12 November 2008 Labels: Unrest feeling
1608
I am still having this complicated feeling in me, and I am not sure what is the reason for being so. I am just a person who can't take feelings easily and will keep on thinking about it even though the incident has past. I start to find myself hard to understand my way of thinking, and I am not able to control my own actions and feelings anymore.
I used to be a person who can analyse things and think out of a way for myself. But I find myself unable to do it now, and is mixing my personal life with my social life. I am becoming more isolated myself and no longer can be the cheerful person that I used to be. My mind keep wondering off things that is so simple, and will keep thinking about it for a long period of time. How can I keep myself from all these thoughts and feelings?
The feeling of frustration, emptiness, loneliness, irritation, lost all came to me at once, and I find it hard to absorb all together. I might even lose control of myself
posted at 4:07 PM
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
11 November 2008 Labels: Unrest feeling
Today I have realise that I am actually very afarid to lose someone that I really treasure, someone who I can talk to and share things with. Will I eventually lose everyone when time goes by? Adlan told me that this is part and parcel of life, but do I really have to go through this? How come I can't have friends for long?
The feeling of lost and empty start to fill in my mind, and I am not sure when will it get into my heart and soul. The feeling of loneliness, and as if the world is a total stranger to you. Everyone is just a passerby in your life, and will leave you eventually. A world full of sadness and loneliness, I am feeling so isolated. As if I am the only person living in the world, and I am here to bear all this negative feelings.
Sometimes, I am really getting tired of life, and feel like I have done so much unnecessary stuff. The person that I am, is it that irritating. Just will someone think that I am a worthwhile person on earth. Am I making a fool out of myself, and will I ever be someone useful to someone?
I believe in keeping my mouth shut so that I do not make people dislike me. Will it turned out that everyone will dislike me and ignore me? I would really want people to remember me that I have actually be part of their life. Can it ever happen? Would things be the same if I was to go into army or society when people there are so practical. Can I fall back to someone that I have trusted and could I ever be back with the friends that I am having now?
Walking down the streets at night, just make me feel comfortable when no one is around. The difference from walking in the shopping mall, I do feel that I am walking in a place where everyone is living their life to the fullest. Yet I am the only one that is still stepping on the same platform, having no courage to step out my 1st step.
Taking the 1st step is always difficult, and it is when I will have to start learning how to make my 1st step. Maybe things might not go the way I want it to be, but yet, I have to change my lifestyle to suit the change in my life. In this way, I might eventually find myself happier, and the people around me will not need to worry about me. Maybe this is what I think I can do!
posted at 11:47 PM
Monday, November 10, 2008
10 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
After having a long talk with Poh Eng, I actually find out that I trust her. I am doubting myself, as I do not trust even my seniors in school. How am I so sure that I can trust her? I just have to feeling that she is a person that I can trust and turned to. The weird thing is that I am actually opening my feelings to her!
In this world, I believe that no one knows me well, as I do not talk to people about my things, feelings, and even secrets. I am just not sure how come I am able to trust her that much? What is that something that makes me able to share things with her?
Although with so many doubts, I am quite happy that I am able to share things with her. Really! I am glad that I am able to find a person that I am able to share things with, just hope that I am able to keep our relationship. It is really hard to find someone that I am able to feel like talking to, and at the same time being able to talk to me about her stuff.
I really treasure our relationship, hopefully it will not change, and things will remain the same. I am so afraid of losing things, and may so that I am not able to open myself to everyone. The feeling of losing someone is unbearable, and I am not ready for that experience. So I am unwillinging to gain things, and I will be sad for quite a long period of time if I lost someone I treasure.
So my birthday wish every year is always 'I hope that I will not lose anyone that I treasure'. Everytime, when I make new friends, I will keep them as friends. This is my way of preventing myself from getting hurt. So I really do hope everything will remain the same, and hopefully I will not lose the relationship with her. =)
posted at 11:54 PM
Friday, November 07, 2008
7 November 2008 Labels: Unrest feeling
1800
Today was another bad day for me. I am still having the same feeling as yesterday, and I just can't overcome the feeling. I am starting to find myself very immature and not focus. Just am I so weak to even overcome this feeling.
The feeling just can't fade away, and I am really down and unsure what am I suppose to do. Who can I really turn to?
Usually I am able to overcome things by myself, but I doubt that this time I can. I am really unsure of what I am doing and thinking. How can I overcome this? The feeling of being lost in the middle of a shopping mall, I am surrounded by lot of things, people and activities, but yet I am still lost in the place I am standing.
Just like a kid who has lost his parents during a shopping session. How am I going to find my objective in life?
I am walking this path alone, feeling unsure of which direction to head and unsure of the right direction. Just like a child who does not know where to find his parents, and where to start finding.
Things can't just be like that, I have to find a way to overcome this issue. The feeling of being alone, lost, uncertainty is driving me crazy! Just how can I cross this hurdle. Will mixing with friends help? Or must I talk to someone about it?
Things are getting out of control, and I am not able to handle it. It really gets irritated, when things are out of your control.
Sometimes I am wondering whether someone can change my life? When it really happens, what will I change to?
posted at 5:59 PM
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