Saturday, January 30, 2010
Today, I finally finish my fyp, it was a great day for me. All my stress was release from my shoulder, and now I can concentrate on other things in my life.
Enjoy working with Boss, Yan eh and Black Face. They are a bunch of people I hope to mix with. I really enjoy working with them, they brought me laugther, enjoyable moments in my life in TP. The major project lives up to it's name, "major", really kan major.
Another person that I will remember is Uncle LiM! a great mentor in my life. Wonderful Guy!
But today, all my mood went down when I met my dearest. I just can't understand the reason for her being that way. I suddenly feel like a piece of shit. Right before that, my mood was high and my energy can allow me to run 5km without thinking of tired. But when I saw her, my mood just went down and I suddenly feel so damn tired.
I have to try entertaining her and try to understand her. I know, she was pissed because I didn't tell her when I finished. But I was busy ma. I really dun understand what's going on. I really feel so tired with all theses.
Sometimes, I just wonder, what's wrong! Can't I have a peace in mind when doing my project? Or just can't I enjoy the time with my friends? This is so irritating.
I have been trying to be understanding when you are busy, did I even request for you to accompany me? I even try to help you in doing the project. Sometimes, I dun even have time for myself! How long have I not been contacted my friends? How long have I not go out with them?
Even if they come to my house, I still have to manage both side. I have my way of living my life! I am now trying my best to have a balance between my friends and you. But there you are being pissed and everything. I am just too tired to bother all these things anymore.
Just like last semester, while I am doing my LOMe project, I left Wei Peng to do it alone and went to help you. When you give me a fucking attitude on that day, and I became an irresponsible guy. What The Fuck!
Hope you understand that I am also a human. I don't wish to see you understand what's going on when one day I decided to run away from everything in my life. This is so stressful. I always thought of a relationship that both parties can depend on each other. But I dun feel it this way. I am not sure whether you have this feeling, and I apologize if you don't.
Sometimes, I really feel like running away from everything, but you are very important to me and I do not want you to suffer from my reckless act. Sometimes, I feel that you only respond to the issue and something serious happen, and the effect only last for a short moment. I really hope you can be my wife-to-be, whom i can depend on. I really hope that you can understand me more.
I am trying to give as much as possible to let you feel loved, although I am not sure whether you feel loved by me. I will still try my best. Just don't take me for granted.
I hope one day you will see all these, but hopefully not on a day when I am gone. If I am gone, please do not regret about it. I believe there another guy who can treat you better.
Just please don't take me for granted. I really don't wish to see you as another person, as I do really love you. and that's why I am trying so hard to maintain our relationship.
posted at 2:02 AM
Thursday, May 21, 2009
posted at 11:10 AM
Thursday, April 02, 2009
I nearly got into an arguement with Dear Dear... Cuz I am too persistant about asking her to express out her feelings... I didn't mean anything, just that she use to keep things within herself and don't really share it with anyone... So I do most of the time prompt her to say it out... I think I am too sensitive about it, and she feel annoyed. She told me that I like to compare myself with others, as I told her that she have the same attitude towards me and her friends. She told me that she expected more from me, as I knew her better that her friends.
Yet, she told me that I am over sensitive, and this is what I am even before I am with her. She said that it is annoying when I kept asking when there isn't anything more to ask. I am really sad when I heard that, and I have just decided to ignore everything when she reply 'ok'. If that is what she really wants, to not persistantly asking her to express herself. All I can do is only not to ask too much.
Earlier the night, I told her that I believe that she will not tell anyone in ELF about our relationship. Her reply was 'Don't know', and I knew that she is not comfortable about letting ELF know our relationship. I really felt sad about keeping our relationship from others, and I just feel that being with me is not something that should let people know. And really, I do not want to bring up this issue anymore, as I do believe if she want to say, she will say.
She told me that the actual reason is that when our relationship is known by other, and everyone will not be so direct towards her due to my presence and position in ELF. And I felt that being with me let her lose her friends and the people who she is able to talk to.
At that moment, I felt so guilty, and wish that I wasn't in ELF.
I really think that, I expected too much in this relationship. Cuz, I really sometimes can't stand her attitude, as she is now starting to lose temper and showing attitude towards me. The most upset thing is that she is saying that this is just her and is not that I just know that she is like that.
I just don't understand and felt very puzzled, I just can't talk straight to her anymore. Sometimes, I don't even dare to talk to her about things that I don't feel good. Cuz, she will in the end say that this is just her, or say in another way that make me feel bad.
I just think that if the person wasn't her, I would have scold the person and ignore the person. She just thought that being together is about showing her true-self, and she is right and wrong. Being with another person is about showing your true-self and know what will hurt the other person. Have I just scold you and walk away? Just ignore you when I am not happy? Leave you alone when you are upset or angry?
These are things that I can do, but the reason for me not showing my attitude towards you is that during that point of time you need a person beside you. Just when I need someone beside me to hear me out and listen to my thoughts and feelings, I got your attitude in the end and I felt that I have looked for the wrong person.
Although it is like I should look for another person the share, yet the person I want to share my toubles with is you, Dear Dear. Sometimes, I do want to tell you that the way you talk should not be that attitude, but you just reply me saying 'that is me'.
I just can't tell you how I feel, and I really feel that hack care whatever is happening. But I still love you, and really don't wish to reach till that stage. And I am not a person who you express your anger at, cuz I do have feelings and I didn't say it is becuz I don't want to argue about this problem. I will try to hint you, just whether you can get my hint. If you read this blog, all I have to say is that I will still ask but will not say the second time. Sorry Dear Dear... I didn't tell you this. I just don't know how to tell you, cuz I have tried and failed. Sorry.
posted at 2:42 AM
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Today, I didn't accompany Dear Dear to work, as I didn't get enough sleep for the past few days. So I decided to rest at home today, and wait till she knock-off den I bring dinner for her. But it seems like I don't need to do all these le, as she is going to work till 10.30pm. I don't know what the hell the manager is thinking la, work for 12hours. If Dear Dear is going to get extra pay for the overtime, I really don't mind her working. But she is going to work for the same amount of pay!
I really got nothing much to say le, I don't know what to say le. The thing is that she know that I am going to cook for her, and she didn't even ask for a earlier knock-off time. Den now, I also got no mood to cook anymore le, is like kena let airplane like that. Very cui de lehz...
Den I didn't saw her sms during her lunch break, and replied around 20mins late. Just as I was replying, she has to go back to work. I like super sian la, don't even have the time to talk to her. Only thing I can say is CUI! really feel like scolding 三字经 to express my feeling lehz... Haix... Really don't know how to say le la... The feeling is so irritated and like got a 气被卡在心里.
I feel like just ignore everything and don't care about anything le... Although, I know that she needs to work to earn money, till she have to work almost everyday. I just don't know why she has to go according to everything the manager say. Now I know how important her job is! I know she will say that she applied 2 days off for me during 31 March and 1 April. But the problem is that is like a special day, if you choose to work on that day, den I can just say that our honeymoon period is really over!
I really feel that her job is more important than me. Really don't know what to say, just feel like expressing myself and don't know how. Super irritated. Pissed!
posted at 5:10 PM
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dear Dear,
I really don't know how to tell you, when you say that in my heart you are not as important compared to ELF. Sometimes, when I make my time to accompany you, I have to push away a lot of people (including ELF, my buddies and even my family). I really don't know how to tell you, as I do not want to let you feel that you are causing me to push away people. I just feel like a knife stab into my heart when you say that.
Although I am very undecisive when it comes to choosing between ELF and work, as you know that I have spent 2 years in ELF and all my effort and time is spent there. Do you believe that I can just leave without even thinking?
The reason I am moving towards staying in ELF is because you supported me, and you told me to not leave ELF. I am very touched with the things you said, yet you are now saying otherwise. It might be not what you mean, but I really feel push towards ELF and now being the person who can't promise and think of you.
I really don't know why, but while writing this my tears keep dropping. I really felt fortunate and blessed when you encourage me to go back ELF when I know that deep in your heart you wanted me to work with you at New Balance.
The truth is that, if you want me to choose between you and ELF. I would choose you.
The reason I am in ELF, is because when I am in year 1, Arif and me wanted to create a home feeling in ELF. The place where everyone wants to be and yet only the selected few who have the chance get to be in the group. For that reason, I have spent all my time and effort in ELF to make everyone wants to stay in ELF. This means that even causing myself to be an unfilial son that eveyone is calling me.
You might be thinking that why am I talking about ELF when I said that I would choose you. The reason is simple, and that is, I want to create a home with you.
It might sound silly and stupid, but that's what I feel.
I have spent almost the whole night thinking about our relationship, and I have thought of a few things that I would want to share.
I am feeling that you might think that where we are should be more than enough, but Dear Dear, I may sound like complaining, but I really feel unwanted when we just get together. The reason being is that you do not want to let anyone know about it, and I am really hurt when I have to walk away like a passer-by A. Sometimes, I really do feel heart-breaking and will emo for a while, yet I don't want you to know and have to pretend nothing happen.
It is really not easy to be someone like that, and I know sometimes my feelings showed on my face. It is just can't be controlled. Now, my buddies and mum is asking me why do I want to keep it a secret from everyone. I have to use our relationship in ELF to cover everything, and I can say that my mum don't think what I said is true.
The reason for me to make an effort to bring you around and show you my world, is to trying to let you know that I want you into my world. Bring you around, letting my mum, my friends and even my favourite teacher, I even want my dad to see you but I can feel that you are quite reluctant.
I believe the way that I have gone to bring our relationship to another stage is wrong, but that was just my last resolution. As I am unable to bring you to the place you want to go, due to the fact that I am not rich enough. So bring you overseas might need to postpone till I earn enough money, and I know that I can't just go like that. I also know that you will need to earn enough money for your studies and daily expenses. But I really want to be the one who is with you when you are taking your first flight.
For now, I can only promise you to Malaysia, as my financial condition might only allow us to go till Malaysia or maybe Indonesia. However, you still need to pass through your mum and I don't want you to leave home without your mum's consent.
I know that you are a person who have a lot of energy, and I really hope that you won't get boring when being with me. I was rather sad when you said that playing monopoly is very sian, and I do know that playing monopoly will be bored and I am trying to not keep you feel boring. At the moment, when you said that you felt boring playing monopoly, my mind was blank and didn't know what to do. I can feel that staying at my house all the time is very boring and you just don't want to say it because I didn't have the money to go out. Sometimes, I do feel that I shouldn't ask you out, and you might be happier with your friends. At least you are able to do what everyone else is doing, and forgive me for saying this, I do believe that you do say things that is not from your heart just to make me feel better.
I do think that sometimes I am just trying too hard without thinking about what will be your feelings. I know that you are happy when you are able to be with me, but I still think that staying at my house and play monopoly can't last long. You will feel bored and tired of playing it, and that's what makes me feel really bad. Although you might say that we can just go on simple stuff, I do believe that you still prefer something special.
I just do not know what can I do? I am wondering for very long about whether we can be together for very very long. Maybe this feeling come because of this fight ba. As you know, this fight is really serious fight that we had, and compared with the previous arguement this is so serious.
I really want to be with you for very very long, and I am trying very hard to continue our relationship. I really hope our relationship can last forever, and we will need to work hard together. If you have read this please don't get upset about anything, even if you do have come look for me k? I really don't want you to get upset when you read this long reflection.
Lastly, I just want to say:
I Love You Dear Dear.
posted at 10:07 AM
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
25 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
Yesterday, while talking to Poh Eng, I got a hint that she might just want to stay the way we are. I am not sure of what she is thinking, as I am not sure on whether she mean what she say. I am really blur, and just can't stop thinking about it.
I am also not sure on whether she knows what I am thinking of? I have already started depending on her, and I am not sure whether she knows about it. I felt comfortable sharing things with her, and now I would like her to be comfortable talking to me about her problems. I really want to help her in any ways, only if she wants/need my help. Our relationship now is very complicated, and I am not sure where exactly am I standing on?
The only thing I can be sure of, is that I have feelings towards her. It is not the feelings that you have when you just met someone, or you think that you like that person. My feelings towards her is not the initial kind of feeling anymore, and now all I want to do is just to look at her. Doesn't matter whether where we are, or even what we are doing. The feeling of looking at her just makes me feel comfortable, safe and satisfied.
I might be used to her being in my life, and I really can't imagine what will I be if she decided to draw a line between us. The fear of losing her, sometimes just comes to me, and I dislike the feeling.
After the talk yesterday, I found out that she is still feeling insecure, and I am trying my best to let her feel secured when she is with me. I really hope I am able to make her feel secure, and gain her trust.
I admit that I am not the handsome guy people are looking for, but I hope I can give people the sense of security and trust. All I can do is just hope that she gets better when being with me. That's all I can do for her ba!
posted at 2:46 PM
Monday, November 17, 2008
18 November 2008 Labels: Poh Eng
Today, when I went to get the sociology notes from Poh Eng, she pass me a deep heat rub for my leg. I am like super touched and happy la, coz no one has even care about what happen to me (except my mum and dad). So I now feel like actually there is someone who care about me, and I am not always a passer-by.
Suddenly, I felt that I am so important, and I must take care of myself well. It might sound a bit weird, but I do not think that I am important in the world. Although it might sound like I am a emo person, yet I am most of the time alone. Living in my own tiny world, being alone and looking at other people living their life.
However, after having dinner with Kama, Adlan, Raine & Poh Eng, I decided to walk home. Poh Eng decided to walk with me together with Raine, and I felt very lost as Raine was there too. The reason being is that I am feeling very weird when Raine is there and I just can't express myself when Raine is there. I am just not comfortable having Raine there, so I decided to walk alone.
Somehow I felt Poh Eng feeling very angry, and I tried to sms her to explain to her. However, she still insist that I should just go home, and without being able to stop thinking about it. I walked to the interchange and find Poh Eng, and after a short conversation, I eventually start losing control of my feelings. I started to ask foolish questions, and think about having to leave everyone. I just can't stand the feeling that I might be losing the things that I currently have, as I do treasure what I have now.
Fortunately, Poh Eng is there to listen to me, and if not I might really just leave everyone.
So I wouldn't want to lose anything that I have, and I am so afarid of losing it. Starting to get worried about my future and thinking about my life. Just can't imagine it if I am all alone again. Hopefully things will go well.
posted at 5:22 PM
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